Beginning in 2008, our lives changed radically when my oldest son was diagnosed with a very advanced leukemia with a very poor prognosis.
There are many kinds of leukemia, some good, others not so good, and others very bad – the truth was I didn’t understand a thing, but found myself simply in a state of shock.
At first I went through various stages, from ignorance, to anger and impotence, understanding nothing. The rules of the game had been changed on me. It’s supposed to be that the grandparents die first, then the parents. Never the children first! The truth is that we don’t question death, it’s as if it doesn’t exist for our children. And now I was being confronted with death, face to face.
I went to see a psychiatrist who prepares you for immanent death. We talked about my son – but nothing about building strength for the struggle, for life…
I couldn’t imagine life without my son, and besides, he wanted to live! So we had to fight. I threw the psychiatrists in the garbage, along with everything that didn’t help me with my firm determination to change my attitude. I was going to turn around everything they were telling me. I asked for help. I remembered that I couldn’t do it alone… that unity brings the force, and the force would give me the energy I needed so much.
And so I began writing every day. I needed to reach my friends’ souls, I needed them to understand that I was a mother who was suffering… I wanted to reach the mothers, the fathers, men and women who had that sensitivity. I wrote without stopping, not going a single day without asking. One day was like a lifetime. If one friend didn’t ask, another would. There was no time for questions or answers. There was only a single purpose, and it had to be positive.
I realized that my life had changed, I felt that I had to pass from death to life. My fears began to leave me, my “I” became secondary, there was only one purpose. I began to feel a force, an inexhaustible energy, an optimism, as if the leukemia had become nothing but a flu. Every visit to the hospital was a party, I would get ready as if I were going to a great festival, full of joy and great promise, stirring the nurses with my jokes, as I put on the cap, the smock, the mask and those horrible slippers… hahaha. I felt like a winner, the doctors began to respect me a little. In my silence I had understood that I had to overcome my fear of death, and finally I had become a warrior… Poor soul anyone who got in my way! Every achievement was a triumph for me and I immediately gave thanks in my heart. There was no room for a “no.”
For me faith and asking were different, but they were also somehow united. I felt a great need to connect with the sacred. As the days passed I understood that faith, asking, and the purpose would lead me to the sacred. That from there nothing could stop me. I worked with allegories, they moved me a lot.
Jorge made things easy, he gave himself completely to my faith… allowing himself to be loved. That was very smart of him. He was already ill enough, and on top of that to work with askings and all the rest… how tiresome! I never heard him complain once, he never asked ‘why me?’ He was always receptive… He gave clear evidence that the askings were working, as he came out of extremely serious situations and made sudden recoveries, with that patience, that admirable strength that he always had, with his resistance to the chemo and the arsenic trioxide, with his courage, and the way he used his tools of deep breathing. He was the darling of the hospital with his charm, it was strange for them, they weren’t used to having a patient who acted like that… All in all, so many things to tell…
And I, meanwhile, became more and more convinced that we were going down the right path. I was moving without doubt like a blind person, tapping everywhere with my staff to get where I wanted and needed to be, persevering in looking for the way to beat the Cancer that had taken hold of my son.
At one point I had the honor of speaking with Silo, and he asked about my son. “Your son’s healing is within you, you have the energy to cure him… so I will ask for you…”
“You will know, at some moment you will register it…”
“Master… many people tell me that my son got sick because of something internal, or because of me, that I haven’t been a good mother, that I have overprotected him… that I should look for the reason…”
“Anyone who tells you things like that is an ignoramus… don’t listen to them. Doubtless many illnesses can be somatized… But you don’t have the time to ask and get answers; leave that for later… time will give you the answers.
“Keep going with the treatment he’s receiving, don’t stop it… He can receive all the alternative treatments. Keep going on the path you’ve chosen, always listen to your heart.
“You have a gift. Use it with your son! And when everything is over, have a big party and celebrate!”
It was quite a long conversation… I cried a lot that day, but with a sensation of relief in my heart, and also of great responsibility, understanding that I had to learn to listen to myself and move very attentively in the world, since I needed to rise above the world.
One day they brought me to Manantiales. Standing in the middle of that hall, I looked around me. I was alone… alone… I remembered the Master… Silo… the asking… I took a deep breath, and then I cried out at the top of my lungs, “I will come back here with my two children healthy… no matter what it costs me!”
The hall resounded with echos that penetrated my head and my whole body… It was so amazing.
I wrote down what I just said and put it in the box. Then I understood everything Silo and I had talked about, and I was filled with certainty that my son would come out of all this fine. Nothing would distract me from my purpose and I would have to become enlightened so that we could arrive here, where we are today. I knew I had to battle a hard and implacable system, with doctors who feel omnipotent, who have the absolute truth and who guard their backs at any cost even if it leaves you in a bad position, doctors who are capable of lying in order not to lose prestige, something that surprises me even today.
But I had you, my family, Silo’s doctrine, my faith and my great purpose.
I am a very lucky woman… since life has given me so much, I have left behind everything that isn’t useful and have kept only what I have learned and a profound gratitude in my heart…
It took some time… but we arrived…
I love you all very much. Thank you.
Peace, force and joy.